Why Didn't I Die ?

It’s been 34 weeks - 8 months since Brenda died and the pain has gotten stronger. The little happiness I have from my daughter, grandchildren, friends and family temporarily masks the torment that I go through every night. It was my grandchild’s birthday. Being there celebrating without Brenda was unbearable.
The question- why didn’t I die still runs through my head. Everyday I pry it will be the last so the pain will go away. When I am alone I find myself crying with such intensity that my whole body and soul hurts. As hard as I try I cannot sleep at night. Some days are 24 hours some are 20. The time I spend awake is always spent in sadness thinking of the lost of Brenda.
Everyday is wasted sleeping because I can’t sleep at night. Everything I have tried to do has failed. My life is not worth living. I feel that I have let everyone down especially Brenda; she would of expected more of me. I lay down on the bed and close my eyes and just for a moment I think I will fall asleep my mind starts running.
Is there any hope for me? I can’t live this way. Sometimes I feel like I am jumping out of my skin. I had a dream that I was laying next to Brenda in the grave. We were both on our backs and I was holding her hand. I hope that that dream will come true quickly. It will make others sad but it would put me out of my misery. That may be selfish but I don’t know how much more I can take. I need a job or something to do to keep my mind busy and my body tired.
Everyone tells me that I have to get pass it. How the hell do you get pass the loss of your soul mate? I have moments of happiness but they don’t last for long. I have even tried to go out with some one to feel like a couple again. There was no love involved just company but that hasn’t helped either. I am back in my house thinking to much. I tried to see Momma MIA In the movies but had to leave. It was the last play we saw in New York. My dear friend always puts things into order whether I want to or not. Thank good she is in my life.
I find everything I do walls keep on popping up.

Brenda G Gomnick wife, mother, a woman of great worth to all and a fantastic Grandmother. You are greatly missed already and your memory will live on forever.

Rest in peace my bright eyes.
Help me keep Brenda’s name alive

Below are links that you can donate funds in Brenda's name.

Thank you Herb A Krantz

Children's Hospital of Philadelphia
Chop Hospital Phila Pa.
http://www.chop.edu/consumer/index.jsp
St Jude http://www.stjude.org/stjude/v/index.jspvgnextoid=f2bfab46cb118010VgnVCM1000000e2015acRCRD

Stem Cell Research
Michael J Fox
http://www.michaeljfox.org/
Christopher reeve http://www.christopherreeve.org/site/c.geIMLPOpGjF/b.899265/k.CC03/Home.htm